Thursday, January 24, 2008

I love you Vansh!

Dearest Vansh,

Even though you will not remember today for anything in particular but I want to, hence this letter. You are such a wise person already, you know. Many a times I feel when I ask other moms for suggestions about your misbehaviors or when I write about them in here, I find myself asking - Do they know how good and actually wise can you be at times? Do they know that you are able to sense when I can handle your tantrum and when I can't? That when you know I can't, you actually go inside your room to cool down when I am the one who has screamed at you and ought to be cooling down. And after a few tears, you come out and tell me in the gentlest voice 'Big hug karna hai. Cool down ho gaya' Of course all the anger dissipates. And leaves a huge guilt on having done what I just did.

Today was one such day. I had been working slowly and steadily on the huge week long pile of chores I have mentioned in the last post. And too much work stresses me out, a lot. And I shouted at you for being, well, just a kid. Banging things on walls, on your writing board. I held you by your arms and screamed 'Stop that!' I could have asked you gently and I am sure you would have listened. You started crying and went inside your room and of course then I stared crying in the kitchen. Hearing me, you came out yourself and asked "Mummy ko kya ho gaya". All I could do was hug you real tight and just say "Mummy ko gussa aa gaya, mummy sad hai. Sorry!" You went about playing and being your ususal chirpy self. Some time later, you were playfully shouting while playing with Jiya and once again I lost it. I shouted at you from the laundry to tell you to stop shouting!! I know, how unreasonable can one get! After a couple of minutes, you came to the laundry and you looked at me very very carefully and you knew, yes I could see it from your expressions that you understood that mom was having one of those days. You didn't say a word, didn't protest a bit. And after a few more seconds of observing my face become normal, my brows relax, you said softly "Jiya pair maar rahi thi Vansh ko. Mummy big hug karo Vansh ko" (Jiya was getting her feet in my face. You give me a big hug!)

Well I can't go on right now, son. I don't want to be stressed even after you wake up from your nap. I want to nap myself! But I just wanted to tell you that I am proud of you! I am proud that you understand your mom and let her be her ugly self with you at times and still continue to shower her with your hugs and love!!

I love you loads and loads!!
Hugs and kisses


My Memories said...

aah such a touchy one...cant help my tears...really neera we get unreasonably tough with them sometimes to make them a perfect kid, but we forget perfect kid doesnt exist and so does a perfect mum...dont worry it happens with all mums m sure...we all have our bad days but sure incidents like these leave us with utter guilt.but one thing is for sure, nothing in the world can change our love for them....
love to sweet vansh...i'll leave the big hug for to jiya

~nm said...

It seems like you have written out how I behave sometimes with Anirudh.

I can't justify what I do but at times I cannot say that I was wrong too. I just know thatI need to leran to be more patient. Thats it! Don't feel so bad. After all you are a human being too. You are a wonderful mother but then you are allowed to err too!

PG said...

I was very touched by the story, almost in tears. But yes, it could have been from me. It is hard to always be calm. I feel it is almost impossible. Whenever I get angry at Rishab he wants to hug me. And he would not budge from place and cry untill I hug him. Yes, it makes me guilty too. But I think this is a motivation enough to keep trying.

GettingThereNow said...

Judging from the comments above - a lot of us moms have been in similar situations. I have been too. Such a touching post, Neera!

I used to feel guilty that my mood swings made S grow up a little faster. Do you know what I mean?

Neera said...

Everyone: Thanks for letting me know its okay! Empathy from like minded moms has such a balming effect.

Deepali: Thanks so much for the hug!! I need it so bad :)

nm: I find myself debating the same thing in my head - I am a mom, so I ought to be patient but then I am a human too!! Kids are wonderful at understanding that, aren't they!

pg: Absolutely!! Its these hugs which motivate me to be nice and patient again and from having a total melt down :)

Cee Kay: Thanks dear!

You know what, I have been thinking about one of your comments about feeling guilty (on I think Kiran's blog) about robotizing(?) S and now this! It is so tough, isn't it. First thinking about the rules, working hard putting them in place and then thinking "Oh amen't I being too demanding?", like you say "making them grow up faster!"

I think you, like me, need to take it easy at times and enjoy! Leave aside the guilt! whatsay!

Preethi said...

First time here.. and such a touching post.... I loved this "Jiya pair maar rahi thi Vansh ko. Mummy big hug karo Vansh ko"... that was soo cute!!!

Neera said...

Preethi : Thanks!

Hey we were checking out each other's blog, for the first time, at almost the same time :)

Renie said...

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