Updates and the motherhood tag

God really is omnipresent. All you have to do is call him in your life and ask and he is there giving you hints, showing you signs in things you see, you read, people you meet and there joining the pieces together, you see they fit giving you your answers. And so as I struggled with the 'phase', I prayed to Him to show me the correct path, to give me more patience and strength and he started showing me the signs, one after the other in the form of friends writing to me - once again thanks so much Kodi's mom for the detailed mail with the empathy and the tips and then the wonderfully thought out post. You have sorted out your feelings and thoughts and in the process mine so coherently. The biggest lesson learnt is and I quote "Who cares a rat ass about what some random stranger thinks about my child?" Bang on right, you go girl! What comes to mind is the famous shloka from the Bhagwad Gita

Karmanyeva dhikaaraste ma faleshu kadachan

I pray to God to help me do the correct thing and I leave the rest to him.

Thank you Subha for this post of yours on letting some things be, taking joy in others and just learning along the way as you enjoy.

Thank you Tharini for always inspiring with your posts. Just this passage from one of your posts made me see things from a child's perspective and made me re-think my disciplining strategies.

"....Its not easy being them either. Its not easy being a child, who has no authority. Its not easy being told what to do all day long. Instruction after instruction belted out, in very impatient tones, hardly aware of the effect of such a thing. Words spoken in haste, actions stemming from harshness, a cold withering look, impatience to listen, overruling in a second.....how easily and how much all this becomes a habit."

Thank you each one of you who took the time out to empathise and comment and tell me that this too shall pass. Just knowing that other moms you appreciate and exchange notes with have been there at some point of time gives you a degree of comfort that its not something that I am doing thats making all this happen.

And thank you dearest mom for being my pillar of strength. You, who is a stickler for perfection and good behavior, told me that its okay. Its a phase that I have to display utter patience in, shower my love on him, win his trust and confidence so much that he actually looks forward to being good for me. The more I think about what you said, the more the statement unfolds itself for me making sense all along.

So we are getting there slowly and steadily. I am looking for more and more ways to say yes, trying to listen myself and teach him to listen when we speak, helping him cool down when he begins to lose it, tell myself that at least 1 in 10 times he'll remember what I told him and that'll be a start and cherish the moments when he tells Jiya "You are small Jiya but I am the elder one and so you can have a turn first, I'll wait for mine" or "Mamma I am going to look at the trees and the birds outside because I need to cool down." and I smile and tell myself that this indeed is a start. I know I am working hard as a parent and I have faith in God to not let that go waste.

And now the tag. Gauri and Sole tagged me to pen down five things that I like about motherhood.

- I love knowing a person so well - understanding how they are feeling just by catching those vibes; what they want even before they say it (its not tough at all you know, milk at 7:30, 4 and 9; toffees whenver they see the door to the shelf opening; my phone whenver they see it in my hand). Jokes apart, the pride in understanding what it is they are saying, even if something trivial - the baby words or our own words we invent for certain things and then explaining them to others as they wonder - oh did she again call that monkey a compey? Oh the wet tables that he claims makes him strong are actually the vegetables :). And the bigger feelings - knowing exactly what'll make them giggle, squeal with delight, frown with dismay and shout with anger.

- I love that feeling of being indispensable at least for now. I don't want it to stay that way but am enjoying it while it lasts.

- I love the amount and kind of self introspection one has to constantly do, the looking within to find the answers, analysing our own behavior, the constant evolving as a parent.

- Needless to say the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, the sight of neatly combed wet hair, droplets of water on those tiny little legs, the variety of expressions on my son's face as he gets off from his school bus each day followed by the story explaining them, the pride on their face as they beam "dekho dekho" after a job well done even if my daughter chants the same phrase after successfully pooping in her potty. Taking joy in absolutely ridiculous yet adorably cute phrases that kids come up with - "Mom, I finished all the candies in the box - I am going to be so strong now!" or "I'll brush my teeth so the ants can't come inside my mouth and bite them." - you have to be a mom to cherish and then actually blog about them.

- The feeling that God has actually chosen me as an instrument to actually shape the lives of these two human lives who are my children, that I am so hugely responsible for catering to their needs, for giving them the right kind of values. If a feeling can be both proud and humbling at the same time, its this one.

Here are the rules

Just write a post of your own (5 things that you love about being a mom/dad) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country (Google is a good resource if you don't know any; google any country name and 'mom/dad' in their blog search function) (be sure to let them know that you've tagged them!) - and link back here and HBM and leave a comment.

Now this post has been lying in my drafts for a while, so I am publishing it here without tagging anyone else. I'll do the tagging bit in a while.

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The life and times of a 3 year old ...

Scene 1 - Vansh wakes up from his nap. Jiya's still asleep. I am cooking dinner in the kitchen. After the hug and the I want duddu (milk) and drinking the said duddu, Vansh shouts, nothing in particular, just an 'aaa' with a silly grin on his face. Jiya is still asleep in the room 1 meter away and so I react with a finger on my lip and a shhh. He repeats. I tell him firmly that he needs to quiten down because Jiya is still sleeping. He shouts again, not as loudly this time, but a shout nevertheless. I tell him that I can take him and leave him outside if he feels like using his outdoor voice and he can come back when he is done. He refuses and he laughs, the "Yay! I made her say that again" kind of laugh and stops shouting.

Scene 2 - Jiya is also up now and Vansh is playing with his toys trying to fit the whole 2 big boxful of toys in a 1 foot long garbage truck and shouting when they start spilling over. I go in to ask him whats the matter and explain some things to him and come back, which is followed by some more shouts soon after. I go in once again with an intention of spending some time playing with him sensing thats what he wants. Jiya follows me and Vansh starts pushing her and grabbing her arm when she tries to touch the spilling toys. I tell him not to do that and play with him for some time. When I return, the shouts start again. I decide to ignore this time. He comes closer and closer first to the door of the room, then out the door and in the kitchen, the decibels increasing. I start humming a song, followed by asking him something casually. He says in a sad tone "Mer ke toys gir gaye" (My toys fell). I tell him that its okay and he can try again, though he is trying to fit way too many toys in the small garbage truck.

Scene 3 - Jiya is playing with a frisbee and Vansh teases her by touching it. Jiya yanks it back and starts running. Vansh runs after her, slowly on purpose. Jiya enjoys at first and starts laughing loudly but starts getting irritated soon after and whines and cries. Vansh enjoys the whining as much as he enjoyed the laughing and continues running behind her and at times snatching the frisbee or whatever the toy is from her. I tell him for the thousandth time to let her be when she starts whining/crying. The scene repeats itself over and over and this one's hard to be ignored. The consequence varies from a gentle request to a scream "Vansh stop snatching the toy!" or "Leave her alone!" to a threat of leaving him outside for the maintenance uncle to take away. Silly grinning continues all this while.

Distracting him by asking him to work on his favorite Thomas Engine puzzle or coloring works at times but at others it doesn't because Jiya now gets into everything as she is able to climb on the dining table which used to be the safe haven for exclusively Vansh activities till some time back. This is even after I give Jiya her own puzzle/coloring to work on on a separate table.

Scene 4 - Light switches - On, off, on, off, on, off, .... Refrigerator door - open, bang shut, open, bang shut, open, shut ... Ignoring sometimes takes care of it except if its doors that he is banging. He gets one scream at times followed by a whack on the back of his head for the fear of one of the kids pinching their fingers. At other times, I pick up the phone and pretend to talk to Tom/Jeff/Eric maintenance uncle to tell them that they need to come in to fix the lights/refrigerator which is soon going to go bad owing to Vansh treating them the way he is. The silly grin written all over his face again, he stops. Was it really their fear that stopped him like it used to till some time back or was it the the 'mission accomplished' at having pushed mommy's buttons along with the light fixtures.
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I started writing this post last week and wrote it upto this point. As is evident from the post, we were having a tough week, the kind where I throw up my arms in despair when Ashwini comes home and then both of us keep exchanging glances as if to say "What's wrong with this little guy of ours?"

But then there are some good days or may be just little good gestures where we know that behind the mischievous three year old who pushes his parents' buttons and drives them up the wall, there is also a lovely little boy who loves his parents and sister as much as he teases them, who proclaims lovingly "Jiya tu hamari sweety hai" when she decides to hug him when he wakes up in the morning; who says with a twinkle in his eye "I am so ecited Mama" when she tells him for the thousandth time that we'll be going to India not this evening but after a few months; who squeals in delight and shouts "Its fun Mama" when she throws the beautifully colored fall leaves on top of him.

Yeah you are right, the last few days have been good :) And if I hadn't gotten this far in typing out the Scenes blog post, I probably would have deleted it. But I decided to publish it nevertheless so that I remember that waiting for us at the onset of every tough phase is an even more sweet and heartwarming one.

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We love our neighbors ...

My posts have become fewer and the reason, apart from Word Twist and Word Challenge on Facebook ;), well our neighbors. No this is not a post about the nuisance they are, the noise they create or any such thing. In fact about how lucky I feel to be blessed with the wonderful neighbors I have who have now become such good friends, especially after the rehearsals for the Independence Day program, where we saw each other practically all day, looked after each others' kids, exchanged notes on all sorts of things all while gaily getting ready for the actual event. It brought us all so much closer.

And while I am at it, I am also going to write about the first truly good neighbor I had till last August who then moved elsewhere. It'll be good for me to look back on this post and count my blessings, for good neighbors are truly nothing short of a blessing. Unlike our friends and enemies, we have almost no say on what kind of neighbors we are going to end up with. It'll also be good for the kids when they grow up, very far away from the people to whom they are closest to right now, to be able to remember the times they spent with them when they were little.

Sarita was the first person who actually made me realize what all a neighbor can be. For the most part when we had her as a neighbor, I was pregnant with Jiya and she actually cared for me like a younger sister. She would ask me every now and then about my pregnancy cravings, what I felt like eating and almost every alternate day, if not everyday, there would be something yummy coming from her house to mine - home made namkeen, saboodana khichdi, saboodana vadas, ragda patties, the list was endless. I joked to her that my kitchen had more of her plates and bowls than my own and for the first time in my life I returned them empty many a times because I just couldn't keep pace. I could share a lot of my feelings with her and loved her company especially in the harsh winters. Arnav, her son, was Vansh's first best friend and inseparable for a long long time. He was about 15 months elder than him and helped him get potty trained, increased his verbal skills, aroused his interest in building blocks and many more such things. Arnav and Vansh spent nearly 3-4 hours with each other every single day and more often than not Sarita offered to have them both at her place so that I could get some rest/some chores done with the toddler away. We also made two trips together to Wisconsin Dells and Los Angeles, apart from the daily walks together, and needless to say we had a gala time. They left last August and for a long time Vansh took their names in the same breath as his own family and still if he sees a 5th person drwan in a picture, after naming papa, mummy, Jiya, Vansh for the 4, he still usually says its Sarita aunty or Deepak uncle or Arnav depending on whether its a man's, woman's or child's picture.

I met Vani, who stays just a couple of doors away, for the first time in the neighborhood park when Jiya was just about a month old. Inba, her little boy, was touching 2 and she had just started sending him to a daycare as she searched actively for a job. We chatted for a while and just a couple of days later I found her at my door with 2 bowls of cooked vegetables and a gift for Baby Jiya. This was not expected at all and I couldn't thank her enough for the same. Vani is such a gentle person and though we do not see each other for days on end, owing to her job and then catering to a little one after that while me being busy in the evenings myself with dinner and the kids' activities, she stills holds a very special place in my heart and its always so soothing to listen to her calm and sweet voice and catch up with her when we do. She is so sweet that when she and her culinarily talented husband cook something special and it turns out nice, she calls me to say just that and share it. The jalebi, you shared yesterday was awesome Vani (I'll share this post with you, so I know you'll read it!)

Sindhu is such a delight. Bubbly and young and such a truthful and honest person, always so willing to help. She has been here for a while now and our relationship has grown slowly and subtly. I first met her at Sarita's place playing with Arnav and thought probaly she was a visiting niece or relative, probably in her late teens. When Sarita introduced her to me, it came as a bit of a surprise that she was married. We were out of touch for some time after Sarita left, in spite of the fact she stays practically next door. I think we started meeting again when another neighbor's parents were visiting them last year and they spent a lot of time with me and Sindhu since their own daugher-in-law was working. She and her husband surprised us on our anniversary by bringing us flowers and chocolates. Slowly she started getting attached to Vansh and Jiya. Vansh treated her and still does like his own buddy. Funnily Arnav used to ask her if her dad (actually her husband) had returned from office. She is the only person from whose lap Jiya refuses to return to my own. Which is not surprising at all for both she and Pravin, her husband treat them like their own kids. We go to the complex swimming pool together many a times and I feel equally safe leaving my children with them for a few minutes as I do with Ashwini. Innumerable times I leave my kids or the baby monitor with her when I need to be away from the house for a short time and many a times she adjusts her own schedule to suit mine saying that mine is dependent on my children and she is free that ways.

Last and by no means the least, dear Lopa :) Thinking about her brings a smile to my face. She moved here just 2 months back and I feel like I have known her for the longest time. She has literally brought a totally new dimension to our neighborhood. Knocking on my door and Sindhu's and then having a meeting right there be it to discuss her kids' (she has 7 year old twins - boy and girl) costumes and how she can add more effects or to ask us what sari to wear herself or to just tell us the latest scoop that happened in another building, she is a delight. It has come to a point where as soon as two of us are outside, the third one immediately comes outside too hearing the other two's voices. She calls herself half mother to my children and I love that feeling that they are loved just as much as they are at home, when they go to play there. Sabar and Antara, her children, show off Jiya like their own sister to their friends telling them with pride that she comes to play at their house everyday :) She was the one who sent out an e-mail to our apartment's yahoo group at the time of rehearsals that anyone who would like to participate in any program and is not being able to do so owing to little children could go ahead and leave their children with her while they practised. It takes a lot of love in one's heart to make an offer like that. And she is such a natural with any child. She would herself come and take Jiya with her even if I hesitated in taking her to Lopa's place.

It is so wonderful to have that kind of support system when we are so far away from family. I really have to consider myself blessed to have such good friends as my neighbors. Its such a wonderful feeling to be able to celebrate festivals and special days, exchange sweets along with recipes, and on regular days know that you can just walk out your door and knock at theirs at any time without being unwelcome ever, to know they'll be there to share joys and sorrows or just a cup of coffee.

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Yay!! Spring's here!!

It feels really strange to have cool breezes blowing, the little leaves growing out of shoots in the lovely 'new' green color and looking forward to bask in the sunshine, all in the month of May when one has associated this time of the year to scorching heat and strong gusty hot winds for the most part of one's life. But its beautifully invigorating nonetheless. The summers are going to be short this time, having begun so late. So we are enjoying them to the hilt. Its funny how much you come to value the simple pleasures in life once they are taken away from you for so long. The winters with 2 young kids at home were rather long and even tough. The beauty is so breathtaking outside right now that just yesterday we were joking that if someone comes to Minnesota at this time of the year for the first time, the land of 10,000 beautiful lakes, lush greenery that pleases the senses no bound, the cool gentle breeze that is enough to uplift any spirit, they would surely be foolishly mesmerized to stay on and even think about the poppycock one hears about the harsh weather and nothing to do and so on.

So here we are hitting the parks every single day. Vansh is proud, especially in front of young girls, make that pretty young girls learning to ride a bike, in flaunting his own skills and pedals with full gusto making sharp turns and then cruising along in a smooth zig zag. This one has a penchant for making new friends, even the shy ones, infecting them with his silly vivacious giggles and inviting them to run around with him or just be naughty throwing around sand and then giggling some more. I am happy and indeed proud to see him do things, even if its just to impress his peers, things that he normally doesn't do in spite of coaxing, things like going up the slide the wrong way or coming down a giant one all by himself or climbing up those rungs. Makes me realize one more time the effect that friends have on kids that parents don't.

Jiya is a natural when it comes to attracting attention with her 'daintiness' (3rd percentile on her weight, beat that!!), a luscious smile here, a delicate wave there. And when kids and grown ups come by hoards to ooh and aah, she never disappoints, delightfully charming each one with her newly learnt skills of putting hands together to clap or covering one single eye with one hand, fingers apart in a gesture of peek-a-boo. Also she has just realized that 'butterflies in the stomach' sensation when the swing comes down after going up and after the initial shocked 'what is happening to me here' kind of look now giggles away gleefully with each sway.

One of those times when I cannot thank God enough for adorable, lovely, healthy children who laugh, who play, who are privileged to be who they are; for showering His countless blessings in such kind ways, for looking over us like he does, for all the happiness and joy he generously bestows.

So here's to a lovely, enchanting, gorgeous spring and more!!

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One of Vansh's favorite pastime ...

... looking at old pictures and recalling the incidents with a smile and lots of giggles;

one of mom's - Looking at that smiley lit up face, listening to those giggles and counting our blessings :)

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Time to thank God ...

... for the innumerable blessings He is so kind to shower us with!

I think back about the times I was so keen to get back to teaching, a profession I pursued for about a year and was and still is extremely close to my heart. We had looked at a couple of daycares for Vansh who would have been 6 months had I started then. I was very bitter and heart broken when I couldn't because of visa issues in the US. Now I can not thank God enough for putting those obstacles in front of me. I wouldn't even have known what all I would have missed. I now know I am not going back to work at least till Jiya starts school. The irresistible physical milestones in the first year, the facinating mental leaps in the second, adding emotional dimensions in the third and there's no looking back after that - the words as they come out of your little one's mouth, the thought process that goes on behind that, God I could think about it the whole day and marvel at the little wonders you so lovingly create!

I think about the times when I was pregnant with Jiya and Vansh was becoming increasingly close to us and we too were getting very attached to him with his increasing displays of love and affection, the hugs, the random kisses; there was a time I worried about not being fair to the second child, not loving him/her enough. Ashwini made me look at it in a very beautiful way and said that there would now be 4 people instead of 3 to love and care for each other. So true indeed!

As I find Vansh and Jiya just looking at each other for minutes on end, I wonder what goes in each's mind - love ? bonding ? affection? awe? Having not had any siblings myself, what I know about the relationshiop they share is from my dad always being extremely caring for all his younger brothers and sisters, even if he is stern on the outside; my mom being very thoughtful towards hers and Ashwini being amazingly affectionate, in a fatherly way towards his younger brother. And one of my foremost dreams for my kids is for them to share a very loving relationship with each other. Even though the first couple of months with Jiya were very tough for all of us , especially for Vansh to adjust to the huge change in his life (and inspite of everyone telling us that everything gets okay with time, it made me very very nervous, probably because I was home with the kids 24 x 7); I now am filled with gratitude for God that the siblings have made a lovely beginning.

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