A day of implementing ideas - linked to some great resources

So it takes some effort, well a lot to get a 7 year old on task, especially if the said 7 yo happens to be a boy. Man, I never would have believed the difference between boy and girl personalities if I didn't experience them first hand at home! So while, I have to be on my toes to get resources for Chica as she finishes one worksheet/activity after another asking for more, the ones for Nino lie around untouched for months on end because well he is just content sitting on the couch and breathing! Yeah, if he could outsource that too, he would!

So some ideas from pinterest, which is my new best friend, which had been floating around in my head, I finally put to practice last night. So the kids helped me in making a list of tasks which would help them in earning coupons. The tasks include things like practicing their Math from some workbooks they have; some Hindi reading and writing; reading paired with some reading responses. (Please do click on the link, it is a great great packet - each worksheet addresses a key reading skill and there are worksheets for fiction as well as non fiction books and it is FREE! The resources available on the internet these days just amazes me, I mean just think about all the talent in the world!) And everytime they finish a task, they put a tick against it on their task list. 5 completed tasks(all different) gives them the opportunity to pick a coupon. I tried to encourage them to work quickly when they have the time (on no school home work days or weekends) and so if they complete 3 tasks in one day, they get to pick a coupon. Nino wanted me to add that 5 tasks in a day gets them 2 coupons. Coupons, some I made myself and others the duo told me what they wanted. So some of the coupons entitle them to a treat at McDonald's or a Family Game Night where the coupon winner picks games of his/her choice; or choosing a favorite movie for Movie Night, getting to play Wii for 20 extra minutes, an Ice Cream outing, calling a friend for playdate, an extra story at bedtime and the likes.

Hah! So the first day, in spite of the fact that the system got up and running at 7:15 pm, we saw a whirlwind of academic activity in the household :). Frantic working, then getting back to the task chart to see what could be done next and then back to working. It was quite an amusing sight! And the siblings did in fact earn one coupon each :). Why, of course, I don't expect each day to be like that. But I do hope that it does instill some motivation to be on task when time permits! Last night Chica was able to earn another coupon where as Nino brought back a good share of home work from school so he could complete one task from the list.

Another idea is that of this box which I am calling the Mom Box. Anything the kids don't put back at their proper place goes in the box and then in order to claim back their rights on it, they need to complete a chore. I like the rhyme that goes with it. Much excitement ensued when the idea was announced. Even to the extent of deliberately leaving things out of place to be able to experience it. I had to tell Chica she could just pick a chore, she didn't have to leave something out to do it :) So she asked me for a wipe moistened with Windex because she wanted to clean the big patio glass door. He, he..sometimes I come close to knowing what it feels like to hit the Jackpot ;) The chores include things like folding some laundry, wiping the coffee and dining table, making their toy room clean by picking up anything lying on the floor. 

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Empowering our kids - CSAAM April 2012

      

        " Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month – CSAAM – is an annual awareness programme organised by a voluntary collective of bloggers and social networkers. It aims to break the deafening silence that surrounds this taboo topic in India. It targets parents, teachers and caregivers of children of both sexes and all ages, offering vital information on CSA, including an online collection of CSA-related resources. It gives a voice to victims and offers hope to those who are still struggling with the after-effects of CSA. "

I quote the above from the CSA blog which you can visit for several heart wrenching stories about first hand experiences people have been brave and extremely kind to share, to give insights into the minds of obnoxious perverts, insights into how they have put the past behind them and emerged stronger persons, insights into their learnings from their experiences and thus providing very valuable resources for all of us to learn from and hope to protect our children from the ugly headed monster named 'Child Sexual Abuse'. Also included on the website are live twitter discussions, personal views, very good practical tips by several bloggers on broaching the subject with kids of different age groups in the process empowering them to be able to protect themselves from abuse. Make sure you do check out the invaluable resource for yourself and your kids.

As for my personal guidelines on the matter for my kids, who are 7 and 4-1/2, have been generally about their over all safety. There have been some which need to be emphasized specifically in the Sexual Abuse context but most of them, given their age, are important like I said in the overall saftey sense and can be extended to 'Sexual Safety' as they get older and spend more and more time away from me.

- The first rule of the thumb that we follow when we go out in a crowded place like a fair or amusement park or a mall is to write down my and my husband's phone number on a piece of paper and put it in their pockets. Even though both of them are old enough to remember the numbers but nervousness and anxiety on being lost may make them forget. Also as much as I emphasize on maintaining a cool demeanor and definitely not cry if they don't see us around (I am not sure whether they will actually follow through if such a thing was to happen, but I do repeat it everytime we are at such a place), I tell them to not look for the nearest person in a uniform but I tell them its much safer to find a family with kids and approach the mom/dad with the number and request them to call us from their phone. I explicitly tell them that not very good people could be disguised as men/women in uniform and may be actually kidnappers who can take them away. Personally, I root for the 'Hansel and Gretel' approach to make kids very fearful of strangers even if that makes them uncomfortable because I believe at their age its better to be very scared of people and things that may be dangerous for them rather than being sorry later.

- In a circumstance where suppose they were to be cornered by a bad person, I have explained to them to be very wary of not going out an exit/door. As long as they are in a crowded place and the person tries to touch them on any of their private parts (which I explain from time to time is their chest and their bottom), they are to shout out loud. If the person tries to convince them to follow him/her to be able to reach us (parents), they are to stay there and demand for us to be called right
where they are and not follow the person in the hope of finding us. I have explained that a genuine security officer would have means (like a walkie talkie) to get his message to the concerned authorities who would arrange for us to be called where they are.

- Like I mentioned in the point above, I do talk to them about their private parts being private and are not to be touched by anyone except themsleves, us, their parents and in case of Chica, if absolutely unavoidable by a friend's mom if she is at her friend's place. When at school, right now at Chica's pre-school, we have been told that the teachers are not allowed to touch the kids after they are done pooping. They tell the kids to do the best they can to clean themselves and in case
of an accident or if a situation demands adult intervention, they are to call the parents. In a way, its good to be concerned about the young kids' sexual safety. However at her pre-school back in India, there used to be lady helpers to help with the kids' ablutions, I used to have a conversation every so often with her to tell me immediately if she felt uncomfortable when a helper helped her with that. I talk to Niño about bullies in general and the steps he needs to follow if they bully him in any way. The first step for him is to shout back loudly if a child tries to hit him or touch him at an inappropriate place and to threaten telling an adult. That generally is enough for young children to make them back off. In case of a repitition of that behavior, they are to inform the nearest trusted adult and then me when they reach home.

- A few weeks back, it so happened that Niño had a couple of sleepovers in quick succession at two of his very good friends' places, not planned, but it so happened that we were there for a potluck, got really late, made the kids sleep - younger ones on beds, older ones on comforters on the floor and then when it was time to leave, thought it would be hard to lug the older ones and so left them sleeping there and picked them up in the morning (everyone stays in the same complex). While
Niño had not gathered the courage earlier to sleep over at a friend's place himself, but this gave him the nerve he needed to be able to do that. And he started asking for a sleep over again and again and again. I am still not very comfortable with the idea and dodged the issue a few times he asked for it. But now at an age where he needs a perfect answer to why something is or is not being given to him when he asks for it, I knew I had to discuss with him my thoughts on the matter. Which is when I told him that when he still wakes up at night, even if it is rarely, crying because his leg is paining or his throat is hurting, I know exactly what to do about it. Would he know what to do about it if I was not around. That was enough to make him realize I was right. I proceeded to say, careful not to take names of any friends lest he develop feelings of distrust, he was still young to be able to protect himself if someone was to behave inappropriately with him while he was still in his sleep. The thought was enough for him to mull over and he didn't question me about who the somebody could be.

These are some of my thoughts and conversations I have with my children. Please feel free to add your own and share with other parents to be able to empower our children to stand up for themselves strongly when the situation demands, to share their feelings of discomfort if they ever encounter them, to never be ashamed to seek help and to know that they do need help in the first place. And once again do be sure to check out the CSA website.


Do you have a story to tell?  Tips to share? A video, a link, an ebook? As a parent, as an adult, as a child? All requests for anonymity are honored.

Bring your experience and your expertise to this awareness initiative via

1. Blog posts with the logo (you can copy the image above), linkback to the CSA blog, with the words “CSAAM April 2012” in the title
2. Twitter posts or links to @CSAawareness, tagged “#CSAAM”
3. FB notes linking to our Facebook page
4. Emails to csa.awareness.april@gmail.com
5. Or just simply show support by displaying the Picsquare badge on your site/page/profile.

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Updates and the motherhood tag

God really is omnipresent. All you have to do is call him in your life and ask and he is there giving you hints, showing you signs in things you see, you read, people you meet and there joining the pieces together, you see they fit giving you your answers. And so as I struggled with the 'phase', I prayed to Him to show me the correct path, to give me more patience and strength and he started showing me the signs, one after the other in the form of friends writing to me - once again thanks so much Kodi's mom for the detailed mail with the empathy and the tips and then the wonderfully thought out post. You have sorted out your feelings and thoughts and in the process mine so coherently. The biggest lesson learnt is and I quote "Who cares a rat ass about what some random stranger thinks about my child?" Bang on right, you go girl! What comes to mind is the famous shloka from the Bhagwad Gita

Karmanyeva dhikaaraste ma faleshu kadachan

I pray to God to help me do the correct thing and I leave the rest to him.

Thank you Subha for this post of yours on letting some things be, taking joy in others and just learning along the way as you enjoy.

Thank you Tharini for always inspiring with your posts. Just this passage from one of your posts made me see things from a child's perspective and made me re-think my disciplining strategies.

"....Its not easy being them either. Its not easy being a child, who has no authority. Its not easy being told what to do all day long. Instruction after instruction belted out, in very impatient tones, hardly aware of the effect of such a thing. Words spoken in haste, actions stemming from harshness, a cold withering look, impatience to listen, overruling in a second.....how easily and how much all this becomes a habit."

Thank you each one of you who took the time out to empathise and comment and tell me that this too shall pass. Just knowing that other moms you appreciate and exchange notes with have been there at some point of time gives you a degree of comfort that its not something that I am doing thats making all this happen.

And thank you dearest mom for being my pillar of strength. You, who is a stickler for perfection and good behavior, told me that its okay. Its a phase that I have to display utter patience in, shower my love on him, win his trust and confidence so much that he actually looks forward to being good for me. The more I think about what you said, the more the statement unfolds itself for me making sense all along.

So we are getting there slowly and steadily. I am looking for more and more ways to say yes, trying to listen myself and teach him to listen when we speak, helping him cool down when he begins to lose it, tell myself that at least 1 in 10 times he'll remember what I told him and that'll be a start and cherish the moments when he tells Jiya "You are small Jiya but I am the elder one and so you can have a turn first, I'll wait for mine" or "Mamma I am going to look at the trees and the birds outside because I need to cool down." and I smile and tell myself that this indeed is a start. I know I am working hard as a parent and I have faith in God to not let that go waste.

And now the tag. Gauri and Sole tagged me to pen down five things that I like about motherhood.

- I love knowing a person so well - understanding how they are feeling just by catching those vibes; what they want even before they say it (its not tough at all you know, milk at 7:30, 4 and 9; toffees whenver they see the door to the shelf opening; my phone whenver they see it in my hand). Jokes apart, the pride in understanding what it is they are saying, even if something trivial - the baby words or our own words we invent for certain things and then explaining them to others as they wonder - oh did she again call that monkey a compey? Oh the wet tables that he claims makes him strong are actually the vegetables :). And the bigger feelings - knowing exactly what'll make them giggle, squeal with delight, frown with dismay and shout with anger.

- I love that feeling of being indispensable at least for now. I don't want it to stay that way but am enjoying it while it lasts.

- I love the amount and kind of self introspection one has to constantly do, the looking within to find the answers, analysing our own behavior, the constant evolving as a parent.

- Needless to say the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles, the sight of neatly combed wet hair, droplets of water on those tiny little legs, the variety of expressions on my son's face as he gets off from his school bus each day followed by the story explaining them, the pride on their face as they beam "dekho dekho" after a job well done even if my daughter chants the same phrase after successfully pooping in her potty. Taking joy in absolutely ridiculous yet adorably cute phrases that kids come up with - "Mom, I finished all the candies in the box - I am going to be so strong now!" or "I'll brush my teeth so the ants can't come inside my mouth and bite them." - you have to be a mom to cherish and then actually blog about them.

- The feeling that God has actually chosen me as an instrument to actually shape the lives of these two human lives who are my children, that I am so hugely responsible for catering to their needs, for giving them the right kind of values. If a feeling can be both proud and humbling at the same time, its this one.

Here are the rules

Just write a post of your own (5 things that you love about being a mom/dad) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country (Google is a good resource if you don't know any; google any country name and 'mom/dad' in their blog search function) (be sure to let them know that you've tagged them!) - and link back here and HBM and leave a comment.

Now this post has been lying in my drafts for a while, so I am publishing it here without tagging anyone else. I'll do the tagging bit in a while.

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Updates after a long time - Part I - Behavioral

When I started this blog, Vansh was the only one around and had just turned 2 years old. I had more time at hand, more attention I could pay to all milestones which were more tangible that they are now. I wrote an almost monthly update on the new activities he indulged in, the new words he used, how he tried to string those into sentences and so on and so forth. Now the story is totally different. And just as I tried to look back into my archives, I realized the last one I had done was 8 months back. Huge leaps have been taken by him in these last 8 months, I realize as I read through that post. Each of the developmental aspects - behavioral, verbal, social merits a separate post. And so I decided to do a series of posts on each of these. And I start with the juiciest of all - behavioral :)

At last I see the silver lining to the dark cloud where behavior is concerned. Reason finally seems to work with him. So even though every instruction to do or not do something is met with a why, the logical answer seems to now make sense to him. He still has his moments, quite a few of them (its still just the silver lining, remember ;) ) but as long as he makes an effort to understand what we are trying to tell him, I am happy.

Ignoring and defiance are at an all time high. So even when I have a mighty stern expression on my face when I tell him to sit straight and not crouch while having his food, his first reaction is to do what he's told but then suddenly as the realization of him having his own will and a strong one at that dawns on him, he crouches back yet again, all the time keeping an eye on what my next move is going to be. Depending on my mood, I either repeat the instruction with some explanation or just try to choose my battles and decide this one's not worth picking and ignore him. Depending on his [mood], he either sits straight or decides this is one more of those issues where he can get away by defying me.

He still loves shouting when he is happy or when he is angry but on being reminded to use his indoor voice, he does that. He went through a phase where he would start yelling at me, "You stop it" and the likes, while pointing his finger. This went on for quite some time and got me worrying. I tried to ignore it, tried telling him that its not okay to speak to your mom or for that matter to anyone like that, even lost my patience and yelled back a couple of times. We stopped talking to him for a while after such an occurrence but the behavior repeated itself at least once a day if not more. It happened when he was upset about going to brush his teeth or to take a bath while he was playing with something. I tried giving him prior notice, using a timer, that it would be time soon to do a particular task. Even then he would do the same - ignore me the first time when it was actually time to do it and when I gave him the choice of coming himself or me picking him up to the bathroom or wherever, he would get very upset and start shouting. Its not easy to take it at the end of a tiring day or for that matter at any time. So I and Ashwini talked about it and came up with the idea of taking away a privilege - the daily evening walk - if he indulged in such behavior. We explained it to him the next day and he did seem to understand and in fact had a solemn expression at the consequence he might have to face. These days I also ask him to repeat after me what I expect him to do like saying "I shall put my blocks away after playing with them" one to make sure he has understood and two to make him understand he is accountable and agrees to what I am saying. I wouldn't say its foolproof but it does help as an additional tool to shape the right kind of behavior. So I made him repeat after me that he wouldn't talk to mom nastily which he did. It took one reminder when he just started to use that tone and thankfully its not happening any more. He still does point a finger and makes an unpleasant face when he's not too happy about something but I think thats his way of letting off steam there and then.

Two sure shot triggers to meltdowns are hunger and fatigue as they have always been with him. It so happens that every few weeks, especially when I see kids his age doing such a great job at feeding themselves and I or Ashwini calling after Vansh to come and have the next morsel, lest we call a monster or some big hunk to take him away, we find ourselves flustered, I decide I have had had enough and tell him and Ashwini that he's going to eat on his own from the next meal onwards and stay hungry if he chooses to not eat.

The scene next morning when I give him his breakfast.
Day 1 : Vansh, you eat your breakfast yourself.

You feed me!

Remember how so and so was eating himself/herself. For his benefit, I rant off names of as many friends I can remember saying that they all eat themselves.

Vansh starts with an expression of part disbelief at what I am saying and part reluctance in the knowledge that I, anyways seem to have made up my mind.

After a few bites, declares that he's all done.

I remind him how he turns all grumpy when he is hungry (he does understand that) and how he might feel very hungry at summer camp and not have anything to eat then. As a result, he takes one more bite and declares that he's done.

Okay its upto you if you want hunger to bother you after some time.

At lunch time, the scene repeats itself.

For snack, he devours the apple wedges, that are otherwise administered a royal ignore as they turn from white to brown.

Dinner time is slightly better but at the end of the day he's eaten half of what he normally does if I feed him.

How long can he fight hunger, I think, when he realizes that the only option now is to feed himself. After a similar second day, after the evening walk he has a MAJOR meltdown because he wants to go to his friend's house he just met. No amount of reasoning works with him. He clings to our legs if we try to ignore him, fights to break himself free if we try to hold him. The culprit for the situation assuming gigantic proportions is hunger. We struggle for almost an hour to get his remaining dinner down his throat and finally put him to bed. And its not the first time. Cos had it been I wouldn't have given up on the second day. I have tried to wait longer before this. But then that means having to put up with the fierce tantrums more often. Even then I probably would take that path if he was the only child in the house. But when its at a time when Jiya's napping or I need to get her down for bed, I am left helpless and I decide that its better to have a well fed, even if that means by one of us, and non cranky child rather than the one we have right now.

So the next day I am back to putting the bites in his mouth at breakfast while juggling cutting the salad and the fruits, heating everyone's milk, packing Ashwini's lunch while Vansh comments to no one in particular "Vansh has turned into a small baby again. Mom feeds me. I am not a big boy" Thank God Jiya eats herself during all the morning rush!

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Cultivating Values

At times, some casual conversations with Ashwini or with friends take such thought provoking turns, I wonder how it actually started. The other day, we found each other discussing the importance of inculcating the right values in children and the uphill task that its becoming in the world today. It almost scares me, in a horrifying kind of way, to think what if I fail. I know (and I hope) that it'll come to us with time, but at this point I wonder how you talk to your kids without over preaching or in a way that makes sense to them about differentiating right from wrong, one of the core values, what many other values boil down to.

One of the values that we talked about in length was the value of money or your belongings, of what you have. Many a times, I find myself thinking about my own childhood. My parents. struggled, in their own ways, to run the finances of the house. They decided early on that they wanted for me to have the best possible education and would strive hard for that even if that meant, and it did, cutting down on other expenses. They sent me to the best private school in Delhi and they were not the ones who thought that duty ends at that. They invested a great deal of their own time in me as well.

Now going to the best private school meant being surrounded by kids whose families were much better off financially than my own. So while the other kids were picked up, during exam time, in cars, many of them chauffeur driven, at that (thankfully the majority still used the school bus during regular school days), I asked my dad to meet me a block away from school on his two wheeler or better still I tied up with a friend who could drop me on her way home. Or when I traveled sandwiched between my mom and dad on the two wheeler, I beckoned each and every God from heaven to not cross my path with any of my class mates. However much my parents explained to me and I never fought with them because I very well understood that we just couldn't afford it at that time, still the embarrassment that a 12 something year old faces in situations like these is hard to take away. But now when I look back, I think I learnt a lot of lessons in my life from those times. I learnt that my 'friends' still continued to be my friends unfazed by my economic status; that those who didn't want to be seen hanging out with me weren't really my friends after all. I heard, at that time, but realized much later the meaning of the words my parents oft repeated which meant that desire is never ending. You have a scooter, you want a car. You have a car, you want a fancier one, a bigger house after that, does it ever end? Does that really make you happy? What makes you happy is coming to terms with reality, being at peace with what you have and what you don't.

Now 'car' is a relatively big thing and there wasn't much I could do about it at that time. Barbie dolls, like always, were the 'in-thing' with 8+ years girls at that time. I was made to work really hard academically, always within limits and according to my capabilities, to be a proud owner of those dainty little things. And even then, it didn't mean I would get each and every accessory and playset that I would ask for. So while it was okay to buy a doll and a couple of dresses (Rs 300 for the doll + Rs 80 for the dresses - no paltry sum at that time by any standards), the dollhouse which cost 600 bucks was obviously out of question. Once again, many around me were playing with those things and I don't mean spoilt brats but decent down to earth friends of my own. But I am not sure whether they felt the same sense of accomplishment that I did because I had actually earned my reward by working very hard for it.

And this continued well into the college years and beyond. I had to cook Sunday breakfast twice to earn Rs 1000 to be able to buy those Levis jeans for that trendy look in college. Even my B.Ed. degree, the last educational degree that I worked for - the two options were working hard to get into Univ 1, pay a fee of Rs 21,000 or working harder to get into a more prestigious Univ 2 with a fee of Rs 3000 and utilize the remaining balance of Rs 18,000 to buy a new color TV, I had been pleading so long for, to replace the 15 year 'old is gold' remote control-less EC TV set.This still makes me smile :) Of course that was not the only reason (or so I like to think), I did make it to Univ 2.

Well that was then. Not too much money, automatically one realizes its value. What lies ahead is the fact that money is not as much of an 'issue' as it was then. Or rather is it the other way round! My brows started to rise, my jaw to fall in shock when a co-parent in ECFE shared that her 6 year old son asked for an iPod for Christmas. Her reply "I don't even know what that is" cracked me up and helped soothe the worrying being that was me. Kids being targeted like never before by ad makers, peer pressure at its worst, video games and gazillions of other hand held electronic devices finding their way into more and more hands and increasingly smaller ones at that replacing the good old playing cards or even the pebbles and marbles or stamps and coins that we so fondly collected. First hand stories of grade 9 students chipping in to gift a cell phone to the only girl in class who didn't have one (and this I am talking about New Delhi, India 5 years ago); grade 7 students shouting "let's stock up on colas and chips" after being kept away from those for just 2 days while on a confidence building camp; statements like "I don't miss my mom and dad as much as I am missing my servant" on the same camp literally sweep the ground from beneath my feet.


Is it "all about the money" from so early on these days? And like I said the worry is that money is not an issue now. My parents said No to the dollhouse for the simple reason that they couldn't afford it. But being able to say No when you know you can afford it is the tricky part now. Its not easy, not at all. I recently started a 'stars' and 'crosses' chart with Vansh where in, we worked together on a list of 'good'(red) and 'bad'(black) behaviors. A 'good' behavior like not disturbing mom or dad while they are talking on phone for a few minutes or with each other, talking softly without shouting for an hour, etc are rewarded with a red star while shouting at/pushing Jiya or visiting friends, interrupting talks, acting naughty during meals and so on get him a black cross. By accumulating 3 successive stars, he earns himself 15 minutes of TV or laptop time where in he can play at starfall.com, one of his favorite activities. A cross means he has to start again. He is way too excited about racking up the stars and does his own little jig when he 'earns' the TV/laptop time and pronounces it proudly to dad when he returns from work. Now that he understands simple concepts of waiting before doing something, getting appreciation for doing something good, I am hoping to start him on what it means to 'earn rewards for self', 'valuing what you get', 'delayed gratification' (another extremely important one - the right here, right now world that it is increasingly becoming; whatever happened to 'We'll eat out on your birthday or may be even on the weekend'. A delicious meal is just a phonecall away as soon as you feel like it.) Anyways, the point I was making was saying No even when you know you can afford saying Yes. As a mother, I feel bad at times when he has not been able to earn 3 stars before his favorite show 'Doodlebops' begins and have a tough time holding myself back from switching it on and looking at that twinkle in his eye. I feel bad when I say No when he says he wants to own a Fire Truck, his latest craze. Thankfully Ashwini is much better than I am, especially when it comes to toys and other material possessions. Doting - yes, indulgent - no. So even as Vansh wishes to have a fire truck (fortunately he is not yet a stage where he demands that we buy him something), we look for books in the library about those to bring back home and read together, we pretend, much to both the kids amusement and laughter, that we are fire trucks running crazy in the house with sirens blaring and he can of course play with those at ECFE or a friend's place. We'll probably wait a couple more months till his birthday to gift him one, by which time, there's a good likelihood of the craze having changed.

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Food battles!

Ahh!! The food battle!! I picked it and I lost it BAD!! From not eating a morsel till the idiot box was turned on and no-one else but Mary Poppins sung to him "A spoonful of sugar lets the medicine go down" (he even chose the right song for mealtimes, huh?!) to even screaming on top of his lungs and actually throwing a fit and the plate off the table (!!!) if I tried to put as much as one bite in his mouth.
Well I have written about it ample number of times, but this is not another sob story because finally something seems to be working. At a friend's suggestion, I have started saving his food for later. If he says he's had enough, say at lunch, I tell him its okay if he wants to get up but then "No dudu (milk), no cracker cheese, no kaju mimish (cashews and raisins)" till he finishes this meal when he gets up from his nap.
It took him a couple of days to realise what was going on. He's in a habit of devouring a glass of milk as soon as he gets up from a nap and given the crabby mood that he is in at that time, I think twice before picking up a battle at that time. The first day when I told him that he had to finish his saved lunch first, it was met by a full blown tantrum, screaming, lying on the floor, crying, running like a zombie. I distracted him by showing him his recent pictures as the computer was on and reminded him what I had told him in the afternoon. Some more crying and blowing fists in the air followed. I went to the kitchen and busied myself. After 5 minutes of thoughtfully contemplating his odds and mine, he silently sat down to eat. After a bite or so, he meekly said "Mummy, help karaoon", finished the food and then drank his milk.
Ever since, I remind him when he tries to get up in the middle of a meal. If he can take some more, he usually asks me to help him finish it right then. If he is genuinely full, he then eats it whenever he feels hungry (he starts by asking for cracker cheese or goldfish, though and has to be reminded that the meal is not finished yet) But he normally does finish it with some fuss within reasonable limits. A couple of times, his dinner time gets pushed to later than usual because he has finished his lunch in the evening. But still this is working better than anything else has in the past.

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Meeting other parents

Every time I meet parents of children, like aged or older than our own, I think about how important it is to keep meeting them. Each parent has so much to offer in terms of experience in dealing with particular situations, a different perspective to look at things, putting anxieties at rest which I might have, providing creative ideas for little problems we face everyday which make such a huge impact on the temperament of the child and ultimately are the difference between a good smooth day or a tough bumpy one.
A few days ago, we went for a MOMS club activity at a friend's house and another boy whom Vansh doesn't meet very often was playing with a big car. Naturally Vansh wanted to play with the car immediately. He does that many a times and what I tell him is that he has to either wait for his turn or play with another toy depending upon the toy and the situation at that time. What that other boy's mom told both of them was that they had a choice of playing together with the car, demonstrating how they could roll it forwards and backwards to each other OR take turns if they wanted to play alone with it. Showing them what to do together appealed to both of them and they played away happily rolling it to each other. A simple solution, yet so insightful. At times, our own reactions become so mechanical that such incidents help us to get new ideas of tackling everyday situations.
Another platform where I meet parents on a regular basis is ECFE. I am lucky to be in a particularly smart group this year and also to have a great parent educator who facilitates very fruitful discussions. A couple of moms with grown up children (10, 8, and 6 years old) is an added bonus! (Did I tell you I am in awe of moms who have older kids - I believe raising children through the years brings you more wisdom like nothing else can) So yesterday I voiced my concern about how I limit TV time for Vansh as also the content that he watches. And yet many a times when I tell him no more TV, he just sits there and does absolutely nothing, making me wonder won't it make sense if I let him watch that phonics Leap Frog video by way of which, even though not the most appropriate way of learning, he'll learn something and won't really be 'wasting time'. I was glad to get a new dimension, to learn that in those quiet times he was actually figuring out how the world around him works. It was then that I realised that it was indeed true. Every now and then in these quiet moments that he spends, he comes and talk s to me about random things, his friends, how he shared with someone and shouted at someone else, his visit to the doctor for the flu shot, things like "Papa शाम को आते हैं।", "Candy Satday (Saturday) खाते हें।" and the likes. In fact other parents told me I was lucky that he didn't demand to be played with at all times and spent some time quietly thinking. Ahem!! (collar up :) Sure did some good to my spirits.
Hmm ..Indian friends here are going through 'seasonal depression' in the -15 degrees and 2 feet of snow outside. It has been a while since we got together for a playdate and enlightened talks about kids' tantrums and activities and eating battles et al. Am looking forward to that again.

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